Mistake 1: "But I Love You So Much"
After a break up, many people will try to repair the relationship by repeatedly telling their ex how much they love them:
"We can’t break up… I love you!"
"If you knew how much I loved you, you wouldn’t leave."
"I love you. If you leave me I’ll be miserable."
Perhaps because of messages we get from society, some of us are under the impression that "love conquers all" so our love should be enough to save our relationship. The unfortunate fact is that loving relationships often don’t work. Your love for your ex, in itself, is not enough to bring you back together.
For the relationship to have a chance your ex needs to love you too. But even that isn’t enough - they need to love you the right way. To keep things simple I’ll generalize love into two categories:
There is "I-care-about-you" love. This is the platonic love you may feel for a close friend or a family member. This love may involve such feelings as sympathy or pity and it is not romantic, sexual, or attractive. A couple who has this type of love for each other is probably on the verge of a break up.
Then there is "I-want-to-be-with-you" love. This love involves attraction, desire, and excitement. This is the romantic love that brings people together, keeps them together, and brings them back together after a breakup. When two people have this type of love for each other they are willing to work on the relationship instead of leaving it.
And herein lies the solution and the challenge… rekindling "I-want-to-be-with-you" love in your ex. It’s extremely difficult because you can’t force your ex to have these feelings for you. In fact, the harder you try to force it, the less likely they are to feel this way (this is what I call the paradox of attraction)! Your role in recreating this feeling in your ex has to be more indirect.
That isn’t to say that you have no control. In many ways your ex is only reacting to you. You can influence how they react by controlling how you present yourself and what you say.
There are very specific things that you can do to improve your chances of getting back your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. Repeatedly telling your ex that you love them is definitely not one of them.
Mistake 2: Looking for sympathy
When you first met your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, do you think they were attracted to you because you were depressed? Did you strive to be unhappy around them? Did they respect you because of your self pity and broken spirit?
It’s unlikely because these are not the qualities or behaviors that people find attractive in a potential girlfriend or boyfriend.
We find the exact opposite attractive… upbeat, friendly, and motivated people are one’s that we want to be with in a romantic relationship.
But, in an anguished post break up mental state, we somehow convince ourselves that if we can make our ex feel sorry enough for us they will want to get back together. So, we may act sullen and depressed… wallowing (as dramatically as possible) in our self pity. Or, we may act out - getting very upset and behaving in ways we normally wouldn’t (often doing stupid things we regret later) - hoping that our ex will realize just how much pain the break up is causing us and how hard it is for us to live without them.
Basically, we do the opposite of what brought us together with our girlfriend or boyfriend in the first place! While we should be making ourselves more attractive, instead, we pour all our energy into making ourselves unattractive.
If you take a step back and look at what is really happening, it’s easy to see that this isn’t at all logical or productive. Not only is it completely unnecessary to be self-destructive to get back your ex, it hurts your chances of ever getting them back. The more ridiculous you act, the more sure they become they made the right decision by leaving you.
We turn to desperate and counter productive approaches like this when we feel we have no solid plan, viable alternatives, or available options.
For those who are willing to set their self pity aside there is a better way of getting back an ex. Refuse to sink into negative feelings and behaviors. Depression and self pity aren’t helping you get back with your ex, achieve your goals, or create the life you want.
If you would like a step-by-step plan for repairing your relationship and getting back your ex feel free to learn more about my book "How to Get Back Your Ex" by visiting my website on getting back together with your ex.
Mistake 3: Manipulation
Your goal in getting back your ex is to repair and regain a relationship that is valuable to you. This is an admirable intention. But, admirable intentions do not justify the use of any means necessary.
Using kids, money, sex, or any other kind of leverage available to you to coerce your ex into coming back to you is not only unkind, your ex will lose respect for you.
These tactics backfire much more often than they work. Your ex is likely to see through what you are doing and only resist your attempts with more resolve than ever before. Their recognition that you are manipulating them will only be another reason they don’t want to be with you.
Even if you were successful at getting them back, the long term consequences would not be favorable. Forcing someone to do something creates resentment. Resentment is relationship cancer.
Don’t entice your ex by teasing them sexually hoping that if they get frustrated enough they will sleep with you and then you’ll have leverage. Don’t make them feel unnecessary guilt about not being good enough parents to their kids just so they will come over more often. Don’t offer them money hoping that they will become indebted to you. Don’t get together with another person and rub it in their face just to make them feel jealous.
Manipulation, in any degree or to any extent, no matter how small or insignificant, will create a tear in the relationship.
Avoid it altogether.
The kind of relationship that you want cannot be based on underhanded, conniving tactics. Don’t be so shortsighted that you sacrifice what could be a healthy, long-lasting relationship for your immediate gratification.
If you have been using a manipulative tactic you need to spend some time examining yourself and your feelings for your ex. How much do you really care about them if you are willing to use such hostile and devious tricks on them? Maybe they are better off without you if you don’t care about them enough to resist resorting to such unfairness.
Out of all the mistakes that someone can make when they are getting back their ex this is probably the worst because it reflects poorly on you as a person. I hope that if you’ve been trying manipulation to get back your ex that you will instead take a look at what my book can offer you.
Mistake 4: Reasoning, Persuading, and Arguing
The other day I was reading an ad for that beautiful new iPod I want to buy. You could say that I was reading it because I was hoping it would convince me to finally plunking down the cash… because I DO want that iPod in my hands.
I also read a somewhat negative review of the new iPod. I’m already have an older iPod (the ones with the black and white screens) and I know that they are spectacular products - easy to use, reliable, and very chic. So, as I was reading this review and the author was picking on so-called "flaws" I’m thinking to myself "Hmm, I never had a problem with that," "There is a solution to that, Dummy," and "You don’t know what you are talking about!" Basically, I was arguing with the reviewer in my head.
My point (yes, I DO have a point) is this…
Words are persuasive when they are convincing us to do something that we already want to do. We go along with it without resisting. But, when words are trying to persuade us to do something that we don’t want to do, they can actually make us more firm and confident in our decision because they force us to come up with counter arguments. In other words, they backfire.
Trying to convince your ex to get back together is trying to get them to do something that they already decided they don’t want to do.
As you are saying…
"We were so good together. Do you really want to throw that away?"
Your ex is thinking…
"Yes, that’s why I broke up with you. Things weren’t that great anyway. We were always fighting. I think I am better off with someone else."
When you try to use persuasive arguments you force your ex to come up with equally persuasive counter responses - reasons why what you are saying is wrong and what they are doing is right.
You are asking them to explain and justify their decision… and in the process of doing that they are reinforcing the idea, in their mind, that you SHOULDN’T get back together!
The more you push the deeper they have to dig their heels into the ground to keep their footing. You are solidifying rather than dissolving their justifications for the break up.
As with all the other common mistakes people make when trying to get back together with their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend, people unintentionally hurt their chances of getting back their ex.
It seems logical, it’s very tempting, but remember: arguing with your ex about why the two of your should get back together is like trying to talk me out of a new iPod… it just isn’t going to happen.
If you are looking for a more effective way of getting back together with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend I encourage you to learn more about my ebook "How to Get Back Your Ex."
Mistake 5: Reassurance You Have Changed
A person’s habits and personality are relatively stable over their lifetime.
We all know this. None of us expect someone to be a completely different person with a different personality the next time we see them. None of us expect to wake up in the morning with different dreams, desires, and impulses. We expect a person’s behavior to be consistent with their past behavior. And, based on experience, this is a reasonable expectation.
Who you are today is basically who you are going to be tomorrow. Who you are this year will be very similar to who you are next year.
Dramatic, lasting changes just don’t usually happen outside of Hollywood.
Telling your ex that you have changed and that "things will be different this time" is asking them to believe something that is intuitively untrue and contradicts their life experiences.
You are saying "I’ve changed. I’m a different person and things will be different now." But, the truth is you haven’t changed… you are saying that you are going to try to be a different person in the *future*. You may honestly feel like you are able to change your future behavior but that does not mean you are a changed person. It’s an important distinction and one that your ex will automatically make as soon as the words come out of your mouth. It’s a promise to be fulfilled at a later time, not something that has already occured (like you are claiming).
It’s not an effective approach to repairing your relationship and getting back together with your ex. I wouldn’t advise it to anyone. It’s a lame (though unconscious) attempt to decieve you ex… and they will probably see through it.
Rather than telling your ex that you’ve changed it’s much more effective to SHOW THEM that you’ve changed. There are very specific ways of doing that and I outline them clearly in my book. If you have the time (5 minutes or so) you should defnitely take a moment to read more about it.
Getting back an ex is a complex problem. There are many ways to make mistakes and many subtle things that must be addressed to increase your chances.
If you would like a step-by-step plan for repairing your relationship and getting back your ex feel free to learn more about my book "How to Get Back Your Ex" by visiting my website on getting back together with your ex.
Click here to learn more about how to
get back together with your ex…
What if you’ve already made these mistakes? Is it still possible to get your ex back?
The short answer is "yes." While making these mistakes is not a good thing, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible to get back together with your ex. My approach helps repair the damage caused by these mistakes (you’ll learn more about this in my book in the section on "the push and pull") in the process of getting your ex back.
Mistake 6: Foolish Pride
There is a certain amount of implied insult in a break up. The underlying message is "You are not good enough for me. I can do better."
Understandably, our egos and pride may not react well to this covert message.
The mistake of pride is different than the other mistakes in this series in that it is an error of omission as opposed to commission.
The insulted is either unwilling to consider the possibility that they should try to get back together or their pride may keep them from taking the necessary steps.
They say to themselves "My ex hurt me and I should not have to be the one to repair this… even though I want to be with him/her again."
Their attitude toward the breakup precludes any reparative action on their part. The steps they need to take to get back their ex are prevented by a hostile and self-important attitude.
The problem is that the relationship may have had value, it may have been overall very healthy, and the best thing for both partners, but they are unable to do anything about it because of "foolish pride!"
One of the reasons pride gets in the way is because people assume that they have to grovel, beg, apologize, or somehow humiliate themselves in order to win back their ex.
That is not the case! You should not do any of these things. These things would not contribute to attraction - which is the necessary ingredient in the recipe of getting back together.
Mistake 7: Wishful Thinking
There is a saying that is often referenced in regard to break ups:
"If you love something enough let it go free, if it doesn’t return it was never meant to be."
It’s comforting to think that fate will somehow handle our lives but let’s be realistic… the fact is: your current situation is due to cause and effect and your future situation will be due to cause and effect. If you truly value your relationship with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend and want to get back together with them you are going to have to "cause" it to happen.
If you decide to just wait and see if your ex changes their mind you are taking a passive and lazy approach… one that is not likely to work out in your favor. In order for your ex to change their mind on their own they have to change their mind about the reasons they had for the breakup. Barring some kind of dramatic, paradigm shifting realization this probably isn’t going to happen.
A more proactive approach is for you to "cause" them to change their mind about the reasons they had for the break up. More precisely, you have to make yourself attractive enough that the reasons for the breakup are unimportant. Your role in "causing" this change in your ex’s thinking is still passive in a sense but that doesn’t make it ineffective.
No, this does not involve stalking, arguing, or anything else that would only cement the decision in your ex’s mind. Rather, this involves you working on who you are and allowing your ex to realize, on their own, that you are a different person than you were when you were together. If they realize this they will be many more times more likely to "give it another chance." Basically, by improving yourself and making yourself more attractive you give them a compelling reason to get back together… in spite of their reasons for breaking up. This is the essence of the "How to Get Back Your Ex" plan and the reason it works so well.
Here i am, back again in Langkawi.. and alone in the cybercafe. We’d started our new & last phase of ground wing since Monday while waiting for the our CA6 results. So far, i’m getting used with the new daily schedules, which is far stressless than previous phase. With an average of 2-3 hours of classes each day, i have much more time to spend for doing - erm nothing exactly. More time for rest, and daydreaming (thanks to the cloudy and rainy weather these days..hehe) I brought along my good old “buddy” - my computer, just incase if i get bored of doing nothing other than watching movies or playing games. Actually i’m getting tired every day of feeling alone and empty although physically i have friends surrounding me. It feels like i’m already dead, yet i’m still breathing. Hmm.. i don’t know how to describe it.. maybe i should just let it be, whatever may come to me.. Few of my friends and crc are planning for some trip to Genting, running away from their hectic days in the office. Lucky for them, at least they have somewhere to go rather than stuck in their rooms like me. Really wish i could join them too.. wuwuwu…
fix me.. pls..
Sometimes love can be complicated, though it shouldn’t be that way. Commitment is out of the question except only when both party are in the same phase of acceptence. Most people can only dreamt of falling in love and being with someone they really love for the rest of their lives happily ever after which of course only happen in fairy tales (except for few rare cases of highly loving married couples, i believe so). Most of us will find out that love isn’t as simply as we imagine it would be.. be it for “short period couples” or even the “long period couples” whose been together for many years. Even married couples could lost their love along the way and i believe most of them refused to accept the fact (especially husbands). People get married and divorced almost everyday. So the question now is (quoting from Black Eyed Peas song) “Where is the love?”. Does it really exists or just another reason for 2 different person to be together, been together and in the end being apart? Love can be pure, it can be torn in our hearts and also poisonous to different people. Some can make jokes with it, some even could play with it which in the end hurts no one but himself and the people he tricked.. some even died in the process too - died searching for it, died protecting it, and died dissapointed with it..
I’ve seen different kind of love and relationship problems happened around me and perhaps happened to me too. Even couples titled with “grandpa & grandma” divorced and cutting each other’s throat over unfortunate events, imagine what could happen to the younger generations? Love is a subjective thing to figure out. Last week, while we were having our morning parade after breakfast, we saw one of our instructors with his loving wife teasing,hugging and kissing each other not far from us. Maybe it’s nothing for some of us, but thinking of still having that kind of loving gestures in front of nearly 200 cadets, after nearly 20 years of marriage really made me think about love. What a lovely life they had, getting old but still in love.. a life maybe most of us would always dreamt of. It proves me there’s nothing impossible about love or still being in love after long years of togetherness… which depends only on one factor - willingness. Willingness of being together through different stages of life, willingness to love and being loved, and willingness to fulfill your partner the best you could..
huhu, thank God it’s weekend again. Nothing to do and somehow i’m getting tired of studies lately, maybe i’m just too depressed (i guess..) Watched few last episodes of Smallville the 5th season just now and honestly i can’t continue watching the rest (not for the moment at least!). There’s one thing that really bothers me about this season - Lex & Lana!!
Weekend is just what i need. Some break from exam stresses with something else to do than studying. I went to fetch Kak Jai and her family at the jetty yesterday as they came to Langkawi for some holiday. That was the first time i drove a car ever since i came here, a luxury car.. as they asked me to rent it for them. All the way i was hoping that everything’s fine with the car and no road blocks along the road.. haha simply because my driving license has expired bout month ago and i haven’t received my allowences yet! being caugth by officers was the last thing i ever need right now. Kak Jai came with her hubby, their lovely childrens and of course their cutie litle 4 months-old baby boy - Aiman!! (hehe, reminds me of crc’s kitten) He have a lovely smile and aren’t afraid of people, i bet he’ll grow up as a cute and adorable boy. I just love babies… so innocent and cute! Hope they’ll enjoy their stay here in Langkawi.
Exhausted as i am right now, nothing feels so whelming than a fresh day in a place somewhere which i would call “home”. If only i could runaway from all these training for a week or more, wouldn’t it be nice? I miss my boo, my family, my buddies and definitely my “toys”. Sometimes i do feel bored of doing the same thing everyday - 7 hours of class a day, 5 days a week and a hell lot of tests which being held almost weekly! blurgghhh!!
miss you…
